Archive for August, 2010

To the Young Woman in the Green Shirt

Posted in Open Letters with tags , , , on August 2, 2010 by Justin S. Smith

To the young woman wearing the green shirt at HEB:

Dear Miss,

I can imagine the humor and thought process that goes into selecting a shirt that says “rub for luck” in bold block letters when one is pregnant and it is printed across one’s ample belly, but you were not only clearly not pregnant, but the printed letters also appeared higher on the shirt. I was going to address a letter to the woman in front of me in the checkout that was purchasing 8 70% cacao Lindt chocolate bars, a baguette and a large bottle of KY, but I actually find myself with more questions for you.

  1. Seriously? I’m sorry that’s not a complete question but, seriously, what were you thinking?
  2. Where does one acquire such an item of clothing? I only ask because when I am looking for a pair of shorts that say “rub for luck” on the crotch, I want to avoid any place that might have a chance of carrying such an item realizing that I would have overwhelming regret once my normal state of clarity returns (as muddy as that clarity might be.)
  3. Does anyone ever come up to you in search of a little “luck” when you’re wearing that shirt? I thought about approaching you myself just to see the response, but the fraction of an ounce of class that I am able to maintain even when faced with such glaring classlessness kicked in and I decided that the only rational response was to write an open letter to you that you would likely never read on my blog. (If anyone reading does know this young woman, please point her in this direction so our questions might be satisfied.)
  4. Were I to be wearing the shorts aforementioned, would I not be considered some type of sleazy, dirty old man? Maybe you’re not the right person to ask about societal standards. Ok, not maybe; you are in no uncertain terms not the right person to ask about societal standards, regardless, what would you think if you saw a man wearing shorts that said “rub for luck”? Trashy, sleazy? Well, some of us don’t play double standards, so as bad as you might view him, you might likewise be viewed.
  5. SERIOUSLY?!? Sorry I already asked that.

I’m really not a prude. I can understand how in a moment of youthful rebellion it might seem amusing to purchase such an item. One must think about the possible scenarios that could occur with such a choice however, and, though my modicum of class prevented me from looking to acquire a bit of luck (so to speak), there are thousands of people out there with far less class and decency as I. But, maybe that’s what you’re hoping for.

Well, good luck, though it seems you have an ample source.

J.S.S.

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