Archive for the Open Letters to Matthew Griffin Category

Censor-tivity

Posted in Open Letters to Matthew Griffin with tags , , , , on January 6, 2011 by Justin S. Smith

Dearest Mr. Griffin (or should it be Deacon Griffin now,)

A Facebook friend of mine, for anonymity we’ll call her A. Griffin, recently shared a story concerning NewSouth Books plans to release a revised version of “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.” Humorously in the article, the reporter points out that they will be replacing “the ‘n’ word” and the term “Injun” Thereby showing his own prejudiced sensitivity. But that’s a side note. My friend (A. Griffin) called it “borderline sacrilege” but I think she is missing the big picture.

First, we should consider what this means for society. We have finally come to the point where commentary on the racial divide of our past is no longer necessary. The wound is completely scabbed over and we have only to do perform a little historical cosmetic surgery to erase the evidence that it was ever there. Frankly, I think we owe Clint Eastwood for dealing America’s racism its final hit with “Gran Torino.” Regardless of how we got here though, we’re free of it.

Second, we should consider the opportunity this presents to make some money. American literature is full of stories that, although pertinent when written, have loads of unneeded commentary on our past racial issues. Think of what we can do with “To Kill a Mockingbird.” It made its point well in its time, but we don’t need to be reminded of those problems anymore. Maybe we could turn Tom Robinson into a lower-class white man who is victim to economic classism. Perhaps he could be an illegal Mexican migrant and we could move the setting to Arizona. The point is, we can’t leave this great piece of literature reminding us of our past sins. We need to bring it up to the present.

After that maybe we can hit “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” or “Roots.” No, I’m pretty sure “Roots” is beyond salvation. Oh well, it served its purpose, in to the bond-fire with it then.

I’m ready to start when you are. Let me know.

With great anticipation.

J. S. Smith

Ahoy, Cap’n Griffin

Posted in Open Letters, Open Letters to Matthew Griffin on December 3, 2009 by Justin S. Smith

Dear Mr. Griffin,

I recently noted on FaceBook (the great modern chronicler of our lives) as you extolled the illuminating value of the pirate language setting. I believe you stated that it was as if you had been viewing the world in a shadow. Since this setting has such great power for a landlover as yourself, I can only imagine what it might do for the FaceBook experience of our seafaring friends. But why, dear sir, should we allow the great oracle of FaceBook to benefit from this wonder alone.

I propose that we should make a pirates translation of the Holy Scriptures. Imagine the power of our Savior saying to Peter “YARR, get thar aft, ye scurvy dog!” (Mat 16:23 PSV(copyright pending)) The PSV will be a rage among scurvy dogs, drunken sailors, and, I’m sure, the youth of America. And, after the travesty that was the TNIV, getting Zondervan on board to publish should be pretty easy.

Clearly there is a niche in the Bible market that is yet to be filled (which is kind of hard to believe), but we must act fast before someone else sees the void. This may be your only opportunity to be such an influence in church history, so consider it carefully.

Sincerely,

J.S.Smith

Concerning Birth

Posted in Open Letters to Matthew Griffin on November 17, 2009 by Justin S. Smith

Dear Mr. Griffin,

We both had intended to try the home-birth/midwife experience. We shared the joy of the learning and the birth videos, the questions as to why the father was not wearing a shirt or, for that matter, pants in so many these videos. Oh, I lament the plans of birthing pools and gold medallions, for our decision was made for us. But you, good sir, you still have the hope before you. I have great hopes for this journey that you are now still on and I encourage you to embrace it. Take your shirt off and hop in the birthing pool. Bust out your gold medallion (but only if you have sufficient chest hair for contrast.) Perhaps grow a John Oates moustache. It is your experience to have. Of course, in all of your primping and preparation for the big day and the video that you will no doubtedly post on YouTube and link on Facebook, you may also want to recall that Mrs. Griffin will actually be doing most of the hard work, so be careful when choosing your birth-day bling; you wouldn’t want to overshadow her.

The torch is yours now, sir. Bear it with pride.

With great hope,

J.S.Smith